Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.