Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
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Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
How your email finds me
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Very problematic
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress