Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
🤣✨#caturday
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island