Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

doing some research

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

🐿️

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Smallpox sounds so adorable

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.