Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Chicago sounds lovely.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.