Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
my first dose meeting my second
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is