Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?