Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Cinematography is my passion

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]