*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
💀🤣
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy