Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

🐴

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.