Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

just left a huge legacy in there

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.