[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
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M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up