Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

Who knew!

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep