Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

I’ve been learning to cook.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

felt that

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???