Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to