Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.