[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
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At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.