Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

Dune (2021)

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate