Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

😞

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.