[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
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You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Proctologist = Analyst
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy