Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
These 3D printers are insane!
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.