Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

I’m not wrong

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”