Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

💀

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag