Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Spa day..😅
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
