Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

good morning

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

multitasking lunch

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?