Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

somebody come look at this

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!