[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
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E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom