Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
That’s commitment
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Wake me when AI does housework
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]