Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Self-cleaning conscience
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.