Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Social Media and Real life
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?