Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
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Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda