Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
You Might Also Like
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket