Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
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always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear