Girl, are you a dangerous OSHA work place violation because you have FINE written all over you
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot