Girl, are you a dangerous OSHA work place violation because you have FINE written all over you
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By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*skinny dips into black hole
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.