Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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*checks real estate listings on other planets*
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
That’s fair
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”