Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again