Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.