I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me