Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

Spell check is for lasers.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.