Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.