Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who