Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

mmm onion ringos

Does beer think about me too?

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.