Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

🤣

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.