Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase