Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?