Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
You Might Also Like
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
#NeverForget
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.