Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.