Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

There is no “we” in pizza

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*