Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
That’s incredible! 👌
who wore it better?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
#StillHurts
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.