Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.