Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
You Might Also Like
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?