Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning