Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol