Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Extremely relatable.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
aura
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.