Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.