Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

Simple

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

Happy Friday

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.