Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Accurate
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener