Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
me hitting on a model
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus