Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
absolutely not
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS