Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
how to have fun when you’re poor
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Basically, any European coat of arms:
