Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
You Might Also Like
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Only short people can save us
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
The USS B port
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
congratulations to them
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs