Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I don’t make the rules sorry
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Bloody internet 😳
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Pandas 🐼🖤
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.