Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.