Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I think about this cartoon a lot.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone