Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

found this cool rock hiking today

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music