Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Smile they said.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier