@JohnHilsen

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

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@IamEveryDayPpl

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

@ATTLien

ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.

@GrantTanaka

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

@FU_Dad

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

@garrettbarry70

Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]