I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
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ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
In a land with no pockets, the man with the fanny pack is king.
*spins in circles*
*gets stuck in corner*
*spins in circle*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]