Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

lmao

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

me before I type out affect or effect

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?