Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
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Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
sure, why not
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP