Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic