Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

im gay on my mothers side

Order here:
More here:

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.