[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
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Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
💁🏻♂️
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My purse is deeper than some people.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.