[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
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What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Unimpressed
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm