Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.