girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing