Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Why are bridges so flammable.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst