Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

Some people were born into their job.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.