Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
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Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
just having fun