Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
can’t bark with your mouth full
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.