girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
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I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
🔥🔥
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
