Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle