girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
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[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”