girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
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Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
this site is so cooked lol
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.